Dusting off the pen...

Time to start blogging again!

The Kaossilator

I have to get one of these and in no time at all I will be turning out tunes like Phil Oakey.

Women Part 2

Why do they spend the entire relationship trying to mold you and change you into something that they want and when you finally do change they don't want to know. Why are relationships so complex. I heard a quote which sums women up "If a man says something in a forest and no woman hears him is he still wrong?" No matter what you do guys you will always be in the wrong and if you are the nicest guy in the world you will end up getting shit on. Nice guys finish last and thats the truth. Be a cunt to them and they come back for more. Crazy.

Women

Why do they spend all their time trying to change and mold you and then when you finally do change they leave you? You pour your heart out to them and offer them everything they ever wanted and for what? Nothing. Five years I invested and I had nothing in return. It's the single life for me for a while. Well maybe not...

Bloody Broadband.

I pay for a 20mb connection with Virgin Media. So I would imagine that I would get between 15mb - 20 mb. 15 mb when there is a lot of traffic. Would you say that was reasonable? Well I phone Virgin Media and they warned me that I could experience lows of 6mb which is more or less a quarter of the speed they told me I would get. Do you smell something a little fishy here? It's 11 o'clock on a Friday night and I am getting 11.6mb download and 0.7 upload. I get the feeling I am being conned. What a fucking liberty. What the hell am I paying for. If I buy a car I don't expect just the front half I expect the whole fucking thing. How the hell can these bastard companies get away with this? It's fraud plain and simple and this is not just Virgin Media, this is all broadband providers. What is Ofcom doing about this? Fuck all that's what. I just checked it again, 12mb download and 0.7mb upload.

This is the shit they sell you on there website. "It's here! 20Mb broadband for XL customers. That's right from May 1st our flagship XL broadband service is rolling out to a supersonic 20Mb. Although the existing 10Mb service is already four times faster than other industry players, we've decided to step on the gas and double the speed.
Download an MP3 track in 2 seconds or an episode of your favourite TV show in just two and a half minutes".

Is it bollocks, It looks like the public is being ripped off yet again.

To quote Which? Online Editor Malcolm Coles:

"It’s shocking that Internet service providers can advertise ever-increasing speeds that seem to bear little resemblance to what most people can achieve in reality. If it’s unlikely you’ll reach the advertised speed it should be made clear up front, so that you know with some certainty what you’re buying. Do your research to check what speed you’re likely to get before upgrading, and if you think what you’re getting differs vastly from what you’ve paid for, speak to your provider – or if they won’t help, report them to Ofcom."

find out your broadband speed

complain to ofcom

Erectile Problems?

I guess we all get those e-mails asking you to by Viagra or make your nob bigger. I just checked my email and noticed some from a Chinese firm and some how the ad has been lost in translation.

"Chicks always laughed at me and even youths did in the unrestricted comfort station!
Well, now I hee-haw at them, because I took Me_ga. d_ik.
for 5 months and now my putz is badly bigger than average".

"Girls always laughed at me and even fellows did in the federal john!
Well, now I smil at them, because I took Mega. Dik
for 6 months and now my pecker is much more than world".

"Womens always whizgiggled at me and even bucks did in the unrestricted lavatory!
Well, now I whoop at them, because I took M_E GA D IK
for 3 months and now my prick is very much largest than usual".

Wierd..

Accident Adverts

I guess you have all seen those adverts for people who have suffered injuries at work. "I sued the company because someone gave me the wrong ladder". Were you blessed with the gift of sight? Well if you were didn't you realise it was the wrong fucking ladder? I guess you have been doing your job for a long time? Well you should know that you need to use the right ladder. Call me stupid but thats a basic hard wired mechanism in every human being, if I put my hand into a blender it's going to hurt. Fucking moron and the other silly cow who slips on a wet floor. Open your eyes you silly mare. £7500 he had for that fall off a ladder and what else did he have for the adverts, and for what? If you see something that looks a little dodgy for example a drill with wires hanging out and sparks cascading off it, then I would hazard a guess that it might be dangerous and that I shouldn't pick it up.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes

What an absolute legend this guy is. Unbelievable man as this interview shows.

The Internet Crash of 2007

You gotta love American news... This is probably how they would report it - if it did really happen.

Check out The Onion for more... (Alas, it proves there are at least a few smart, witty articulate Americans over there who actually get satire and do not need a fucking translation manual to view a British film)

Abracadabra
Feeling like a juicy Big Mac, but settling for a grain of rice because of the diet!

Last Post On This Ponce

This guy is unbelievably fucking thick and you can't help but laugh at him. Everything I hate about Britain.

Danny Dyer Again

This made me laugh, cockney pratt who walks like hes wading through treacle. This sums up what a tosser he is, 22 Carat prick

Cor Blimey Apples And Pears It's Danny Dyer!

Ahh the loveable cockney chimney sweep that is Danny Dyer, the king of chavs. He constantly plays up to this fantasy cockney gangster image. His stroppy little pearly queen wallk that makes him look like he's walking through a swimming pool of blancmange. What a tosser and a complete cock. Watch the football factories on Bravo and you will see what I mean. I pray everyday that he gets a good shoeing from a bunch of neanderthal footbal thugs, but it never happens. I love football and this cockney cunt is egging on those tossers who ruined football in the eighties and what a shame. The great Liverpool side of that era never played in Europe and these yobs set back British football by 10 years. Yob culture at it's ugliest.

This is not a good example to set to our kids. So Fuck you Danny Dyer, you are never going to be anything more than a bit part, typecast actor playing loveable cockney rogues. Stay off my fucking telly and of my cinema screens or I will come round your manor and stanley your belt you dirty, skinny little east end fuck pig.

For those from the eastend here is the translated cockney version.

Ahh the loveable cockney chimney sweep that is danny dyer, the kin' of chavs. 'e constantly plays up ter this fantasy cockney gangster image. Wot a Dental Flosser and a complete Brighton Rock. Kettle and Hob the footie factories on bravo and ya will clock wot I mean. I pray everyday that 'e gets a Robin Hood shoein' from a bunch of neanderthal footbal thugs, but it never 'appens. I golden dove footie and this cockney Berkshire 'unt is eggin' on these Dental Flosser 'oo ruined footie in the aities and wot a shame, the liverpool side of that era never played in europe and set Hammer and Tack british footie by Cockle Donkey's Ears. Yob culture at it's finest, donald duck Frank Bough danny ya 're never garn ter be aahhht but a bit part typecast max factor. stay Frank Bough me thumb-suckin' Strawberry Jelly or I will come round and stanley your belt.

Have a banana!

Racism

I never understand why those Neo Nazi, white power people have hitler as a hero? If they read any of hitlers literature quite a few of them would be pushed into an oven and burned or sent back home. Another thing they want to keep America white, as if it's their country by birth right. Well wouldn't the Native American Indians have more of a claim on the country. If we repatriate then we would have to send black people back to the West Indies, Africa and Asia and these white power people back to Britain, Norway, Poland, Sweden etc leaving America to the native American Indians.

Our own black, asian and white people are the problem. A lack of discipline at an early age has given people a "fuck you" attitude. If we start teaching respect and discipline at an early age combined with a good quality of education then this country will survive and prosper. But until then we will steadily decline into a more violent, materialistic existence.

Hooray For Adolph

Im a Little Nazi Tea Pot

Was he really that bad? He made the trains run on time, he liked animals and he was good to his mother. I think that hair style could come back into style, not so sure about the moustache. He was a little mean to foreigners and anyone who didn't agree with his aryan dream. But he gave us the VW beetle, Sarin gas and he made people aware of the word genocide. Cheers Adolph, we miss you!

Save The Bees

The bees are dying and we don't know why. From 1971 to 1994 98% of wild honey bees in the US have disappeared, it appears that this is also spreading to europe. Scientist say there could be a number of reasons for the decline. It could be radiation from mobile phones, GM crops, disease, pesticides, global warming or malnutrition. Why couldn't this happen to wasps? What is the point of a wasp apart from hiding in coke cans at the beach and fun fairs.
If we dont save the bees we all die. Bees polinate fruit, flowers, vegtables and they eat other pests that would destroy crops if we didn't have bees.

Is it me or is everything in the environment screwing up?

A Message To Gordon Brown And His Cabinet

Keep your fucking nose out of my life! If I want to smoke I will fucking smoke, If I want to eat fatty foods I will eat fatty foods. If I want to drive a petrol guzzling car I will drive a fucking petrol guzzling car. You keep taxing them and we will keep consuming them.

I am not a selfish cunt. I am trying to cut down on smoking and I am exercising more and I dont make non essential trips, because I want to get fitter and I have a responsibility to the environment. I don't want to be dictated to, the last time I checked this was a free country. The focus should be on heavy industry and aviation. This is where the pollution is coming from. Also how many of the cabinet are fat porkers who smoke. I would imagine quite a few. Reeks of double standards to me. Arseholes!

A Distinct Lack Of Participation From Joe Public

I have been blurting my thoughts on this blog since last year but as of yet no contribution from any one (apart from abracadabra). Come on! Contribute people, there must be other miserable gits out there like me and abracadabra.

Wheres the Summer gone?

Bloody global warming! I was hoping for a nice hot summer but we end up with the wetest June on record. This had better pick up in July other wise mother nature is going to get a swift punch in her tit.

It's Summer Again

It's getting hotter by the day so I guess Summer is here. The worst thing about it is having to work, We should all have the summer off or better still a four day week. Let's all have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Also I hate the sleepless nights covered in sweat, apart from that the long days are good and having a beer in the early evening is nice. Ahhhh you have got to love the summer.

Bamboo!

Just bought myself a luvvly little gadget from Wacom (a Bamboo graphics tablet) and I must say it is a very nice piece of kit for the price (around £70).

http://www.wacom-europe.com/bamboo

The 'mouse mode' works really well when browsing the web!

Abracadabra