Women Part 2

Why do they spend the entire relationship trying to mold you and change you into something that they want and when you finally do change they don't want to know. Why are relationships so complex. I heard a quote which sums women up "If a man says something in a forest and no woman hears him is he still wrong?" No matter what you do guys you will always be in the wrong and if you are the nicest guy in the world you will end up getting shit on. Nice guys finish last and thats the truth. Be a cunt to them and they come back for more. Crazy.

Women

Why do they spend all their time trying to change and mold you and then when you finally do change they leave you? You pour your heart out to them and offer them everything they ever wanted and for what? Nothing. Five years I invested and I had nothing in return. It's the single life for me for a while. Well maybe not...

Bloody Broadband.

I pay for a 20mb connection with Virgin Media. So I would imagine that I would get between 15mb - 20 mb. 15 mb when there is a lot of traffic. Would you say that was reasonable? Well I phone Virgin Media and they warned me that I could experience lows of 6mb which is more or less a quarter of the speed they told me I would get. Do you smell something a little fishy here? It's 11 o'clock on a Friday night and I am getting 11.6mb download and 0.7 upload. I get the feeling I am being conned. What a fucking liberty. What the hell am I paying for. If I buy a car I don't expect just the front half I expect the whole fucking thing. How the hell can these bastard companies get away with this? It's fraud plain and simple and this is not just Virgin Media, this is all broadband providers. What is Ofcom doing about this? Fuck all that's what. I just checked it again, 12mb download and 0.7mb upload.

This is the shit they sell you on there website. "It's here! 20Mb broadband for XL customers. That's right from May 1st our flagship XL broadband service is rolling out to a supersonic 20Mb. Although the existing 10Mb service is already four times faster than other industry players, we've decided to step on the gas and double the speed.
Download an MP3 track in 2 seconds or an episode of your favourite TV show in just two and a half minutes".

Is it bollocks, It looks like the public is being ripped off yet again.

To quote Which? Online Editor Malcolm Coles:

"It’s shocking that Internet service providers can advertise ever-increasing speeds that seem to bear little resemblance to what most people can achieve in reality. If it’s unlikely you’ll reach the advertised speed it should be made clear up front, so that you know with some certainty what you’re buying. Do your research to check what speed you’re likely to get before upgrading, and if you think what you’re getting differs vastly from what you’ve paid for, speak to your provider – or if they won’t help, report them to Ofcom."

find out your broadband speed

complain to ofcom

Erectile Problems?

I guess we all get those e-mails asking you to by Viagra or make your nob bigger. I just checked my email and noticed some from a Chinese firm and some how the ad has been lost in translation.

"Chicks always laughed at me and even youths did in the unrestricted comfort station!
Well, now I hee-haw at them, because I took Me_ga. d_ik.
for 5 months and now my putz is badly bigger than average".

"Girls always laughed at me and even fellows did in the federal john!
Well, now I smil at them, because I took Mega. Dik
for 6 months and now my pecker is much more than world".

"Womens always whizgiggled at me and even bucks did in the unrestricted lavatory!
Well, now I whoop at them, because I took M_E GA D IK
for 3 months and now my prick is very much largest than usual".

Wierd..

Accident Adverts

I guess you have all seen those adverts for people who have suffered injuries at work. "I sued the company because someone gave me the wrong ladder". Were you blessed with the gift of sight? Well if you were didn't you realise it was the wrong fucking ladder? I guess you have been doing your job for a long time? Well you should know that you need to use the right ladder. Call me stupid but thats a basic hard wired mechanism in every human being, if I put my hand into a blender it's going to hurt. Fucking moron and the other silly cow who slips on a wet floor. Open your eyes you silly mare. £7500 he had for that fall off a ladder and what else did he have for the adverts, and for what? If you see something that looks a little dodgy for example a drill with wires hanging out and sparks cascading off it, then I would hazard a guess that it might be dangerous and that I shouldn't pick it up.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes

What an absolute legend this guy is. Unbelievable man as this interview shows.

The Internet Crash of 2007

You gotta love American news... This is probably how they would report it - if it did really happen.

Check out The Onion for more... (Alas, it proves there are at least a few smart, witty articulate Americans over there who actually get satire and do not need a fucking translation manual to view a British film)

Abracadabra
Feeling like a juicy Big Mac, but settling for a grain of rice because of the diet!

Last Post On This Ponce

This guy is unbelievably fucking thick and you can't help but laugh at him. Everything I hate about Britain.

Danny Dyer Again

This made me laugh, cockney pratt who walks like hes wading through treacle. This sums up what a tosser he is, 22 Carat prick

Cor Blimey Apples And Pears It's Danny Dyer!

Ahh the loveable cockney chimney sweep that is Danny Dyer, the king of chavs. He constantly plays up to this fantasy cockney gangster image. His stroppy little pearly queen wallk that makes him look like he's walking through a swimming pool of blancmange. What a tosser and a complete cock. Watch the football factories on Bravo and you will see what I mean. I pray everyday that he gets a good shoeing from a bunch of neanderthal footbal thugs, but it never happens. I love football and this cockney cunt is egging on those tossers who ruined football in the eighties and what a shame. The great Liverpool side of that era never played in Europe and these yobs set back British football by 10 years. Yob culture at it's ugliest.

This is not a good example to set to our kids. So Fuck you Danny Dyer, you are never going to be anything more than a bit part, typecast actor playing loveable cockney rogues. Stay off my fucking telly and of my cinema screens or I will come round your manor and stanley your belt you dirty, skinny little east end fuck pig.

For those from the eastend here is the translated cockney version.

Ahh the loveable cockney chimney sweep that is danny dyer, the kin' of chavs. 'e constantly plays up ter this fantasy cockney gangster image. Wot a Dental Flosser and a complete Brighton Rock. Kettle and Hob the footie factories on bravo and ya will clock wot I mean. I pray everyday that 'e gets a Robin Hood shoein' from a bunch of neanderthal footbal thugs, but it never 'appens. I golden dove footie and this cockney Berkshire 'unt is eggin' on these Dental Flosser 'oo ruined footie in the aities and wot a shame, the liverpool side of that era never played in europe and set Hammer and Tack british footie by Cockle Donkey's Ears. Yob culture at it's finest, donald duck Frank Bough danny ya 're never garn ter be aahhht but a bit part typecast max factor. stay Frank Bough me thumb-suckin' Strawberry Jelly or I will come round and stanley your belt.

Have a banana!

Racism

I never understand why those Neo Nazi, white power people have hitler as a hero? If they read any of hitlers literature quite a few of them would be pushed into an oven and burned or sent back home. Another thing they want to keep America white, as if it's their country by birth right. Well wouldn't the Native American Indians have more of a claim on the country. If we repatriate then we would have to send black people back to the West Indies, Africa and Asia and these white power people back to Britain, Norway, Poland, Sweden etc leaving America to the native American Indians.

Our own black, asian and white people are the problem. A lack of discipline at an early age has given people a "fuck you" attitude. If we start teaching respect and discipline at an early age combined with a good quality of education then this country will survive and prosper. But until then we will steadily decline into a more violent, materialistic existence.

Hooray For Adolph

Im a Little Nazi Tea Pot

Was he really that bad? He made the trains run on time, he liked animals and he was good to his mother. I think that hair style could come back into style, not so sure about the moustache. He was a little mean to foreigners and anyone who didn't agree with his aryan dream. But he gave us the VW beetle, Sarin gas and he made people aware of the word genocide. Cheers Adolph, we miss you!

Save The Bees

The bees are dying and we don't know why. From 1971 to 1994 98% of wild honey bees in the US have disappeared, it appears that this is also spreading to europe. Scientist say there could be a number of reasons for the decline. It could be radiation from mobile phones, GM crops, disease, pesticides, global warming or malnutrition. Why couldn't this happen to wasps? What is the point of a wasp apart from hiding in coke cans at the beach and fun fairs.
If we dont save the bees we all die. Bees polinate fruit, flowers, vegtables and they eat other pests that would destroy crops if we didn't have bees.

Is it me or is everything in the environment screwing up?

A Message To Gordon Brown And His Cabinet

Keep your fucking nose out of my life! If I want to smoke I will fucking smoke, If I want to eat fatty foods I will eat fatty foods. If I want to drive a petrol guzzling car I will drive a fucking petrol guzzling car. You keep taxing them and we will keep consuming them.

I am not a selfish cunt. I am trying to cut down on smoking and I am exercising more and I dont make non essential trips, because I want to get fitter and I have a responsibility to the environment. I don't want to be dictated to, the last time I checked this was a free country. The focus should be on heavy industry and aviation. This is where the pollution is coming from. Also how many of the cabinet are fat porkers who smoke. I would imagine quite a few. Reeks of double standards to me. Arseholes!

A Distinct Lack Of Participation From Joe Public

I have been blurting my thoughts on this blog since last year but as of yet no contribution from any one (apart from abracadabra). Come on! Contribute people, there must be other miserable gits out there like me and abracadabra.

Wheres the Summer gone?

Bloody global warming! I was hoping for a nice hot summer but we end up with the wetest June on record. This had better pick up in July other wise mother nature is going to get a swift punch in her tit.

It's Summer Again

It's getting hotter by the day so I guess Summer is here. The worst thing about it is having to work, We should all have the summer off or better still a four day week. Let's all have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Also I hate the sleepless nights covered in sweat, apart from that the long days are good and having a beer in the early evening is nice. Ahhhh you have got to love the summer.

Bamboo!

Just bought myself a luvvly little gadget from Wacom (a Bamboo graphics tablet) and I must say it is a very nice piece of kit for the price (around £70).

http://www.wacom-europe.com/bamboo

The 'mouse mode' works really well when browsing the web!

Abracadabra

Supermarket Sweep!

Missed me? Well, maybe not... In the meantime, please can someone tell me why I find this picture so inviting?

Abracadabra
Still coding away...

Big Brother Controversy Again....

So Emily has been kicked out for using racist language. In my opinion BB made the right decision, but this kind of language is used all the time by young black people and gangsta rappers. I find that offensive so why aren't we kicking up a fuss about that. Another point is that ginger people are constantly abused about the colour of their hair, also fat people, smokers, Welsh, Irish and Scottish people are picked on but that's acceptable. It reeks of double standards.

10 Annoying Things About The Jeremy Kyle Show

If you live outside the UK you probably won't have heard of him. To sum him up he's a "Happy Shopper" version of Jerry Springer. Cheap, looks crap and not as good as the more established brands.

10 Annoying Things About The Jeremy Kyle Show

1. Jeremy Kyle

2. "Isn't she brave ladies and gentlemen?" No shes not Jeremy, she's a fat slag with five bastard kids who allowed some missing link to blow his beans up her.

3. The way he preaches in such a self righteous way, "You had an affair!" Well Jeremy isn't it true you shacked up with some tart behind your wifes back?

4. Shouting "...That's a FACT!" at the end of every sentence, even when the context makes no sense e.g. "Why don't you get a job? That's a FACT!" (Er...no it isn't, Jeremy, it's a question!

5. Grabbing every opportunity to tell stories which he believes show him in a good light "I used to drive all night to see my kids without any sleep" without ever stopping to think that he actually comes out of it rather badly...what about all the other motorists on the road whose lives were endangered by his sleep-deprived driving?

6. His inability to understand the concept of the phrase 'The lie detector is 96% accurate'. This means 1 result in 25 could be wrong, but this doesn't stop him from treating the piece of paper in his hand like the Magna Carta. The closest he comes is sarcastically telling the alleged liar "Oooooh, so I suppose you're one of the 4%?" Well, yes. They could be. But then to admit that does rather urinate on Jerry's next angry rant. Speaking of which:

7. Telling naughty guests "I'm going to give you both barrels" as if he's Charles Dickens promising an audience another master work, rather than a rabble-rousing daytime TV ringmaster stating the bleeding obvious, remembering to build a crescendo in the last sentence so his lackeys in the audience know when to applaud.

8. I loathe (but perversely look forward to) Mr Kyle berrating the guest villain (usually absent father/drunk mother etc) then when they burst into tears I HATE it when he says 'I know underneath it all you are a good person.....' No he's not, he's a jobless weed smoking cock who has never and will never contribute to society.

9. It's on my telly

10. "Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me ...Look at me!"

I can't take total responsibility for this entire top 10, I got a few from a digital spy forum, but they were too good to leave out.

The Amazing Jonathan

It's not often I watch a Magician and go wow! but this magician is a little bit special. I bought tickets to go and see this guy in Las Vegas. Unfortunately I went through the wrong door and sat in the front row and to my surprise I ended up watching "The Crazy Girls". My girlfriend wasn't too impressed. In case you didn't know the Crazy Girls are strippers.

Change Your Lifestyle

These change your lifestyle programs when some skinny litlle pretty boy twat who has never been fat in his life preaches to people the size of small houses about eating the right kind of food and doing exercise. I wouldn't mind the advice but it's the patronising way that they do it. "Look at this burger, that's death on a plate", we know fatty food is bad for us, we know that cigarettes are bad for us and we know that alcohol is bad for us but it tastes so fucking good. A Big Mac, lambert and Butler washed down with a Southern Comfort and lemonade, theres nothing better. Problem is I keep getting these chest pains ....... and a pain down my arm........ughhh.......ahhh..........(slump)

Phone-ins Again...

So these TV phone in quizes are a fix, suprise, suprise these include Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, Richard and Judy, Mint Mansion, Big Brother, Stars on Ice, GMTV, X Factor, This Morning, Saturday Kitchen and many more. In fact all of them are ripping us off. It's fraud plain and simple. People need to be prosecuted for this and those people who rang in should have there money back. We need to make an example of these conning bastards.Im absolutely disgusted they have got away with it for so long. They should all be stopped until we are satisfied that they are run in a legal and fair way.

Talent Shows

I have just caught the end of the BBC's talent show "any dream will do". Where a bunch of singing teeth battle it out to become the next Joseph and his amazing technicolour dreamcoat. Stop with these fucking talent shows, aren't there enough already! For FUCKS SAKE! If this is what im paying my license fee for then I went to opt out, put a film on put repeats of old shows but whatever you do stop with the fucking talent contests! I don't care if these polished little pretty boys want to be famous, I just don't care and I am sure that there are a lot of other people out there who want decent entertainment on a Saturday night. On TV at the moment there seems to be a diet of talent shows and late night phone-ins.

We don't have to put up with this, I would suggest you join me by picking up your remote control or any heavy object close to hand and throwing it violently at your television.

Bastard Moaning...

Surely that is not oldskoolmacboy as a baby!

I will be back with a barrage of posts, as soon as I clear my current back log of work so as I can pay taxes our British government uses to incubate knob heads...

Ever cynical...
Abracadabra

Moaning Bastard

me as a baby

If you have read through this blog you will probably form an opinion of me. I wouldn't be suprised if that opinion was of a right wing, hateful, moaning old git who shows off, likes materialistic things, has an opinion on everything, can't spell and his grammar is poor and you would be kind of right. But I have a vision for this country dare I say it the world. Thats of endless rows of huf houses with Milk desks, speed bumpless streets, the absence of hot hatchbacks and rap, no tax, no religion, no phone in shows and peace and quiet. Thats all I ask is just a little bit of peace and quiet.

Rip Off Britain

I have just been watching Newsnight, and Jan Raven (dead ringers) said that Gordon Brown is a nice guy and we should all get off his back and judge him on what he has done as a chancellor. Am I missing something? House prices climbing, inflation's rising, wages aren't rising in line with inflation, the average young couple can't afford a mortgage, a lack of investment in schools and colleges, the NHS on its arse, record personal lending, pension shortfall, young cunts on the street causing mayhem and then hiding behind the law when they get reprimanded, extortionate road tax, extortionate tax on your hard earned money. Well done Gordon you have done a great job!

Come election time if you are as pissed of as I am with this government and all the other parties then make a protest vote by not voting. I don't want Gordon as PM and I can't remember the government asking us who we want as our prime minister. some times these arseholes lose sight of the fact they are here to serve us and not help themselves.

Tapes Tapes Tapes!

What a cool site this is. Its a site cataloging cassette tapes. I m not really sure of the point of it but I came over all nostalgic. I miss the crack and hiss of audio tapes, bring back the tape.

Tapedeck.org

A big hello to Wonder Woman!

Vintage Nike

If your a big fan of Nike trainers this site may be of interest to you. An excellent collection of rare Nike trainers. I wish I had kept my old ones I would be rich by now.

arkamix

Celebrity Lookalikey

Paris Hilton and an Afghan Hound

Celebrity Lookalikey

Jason Bourne


Michael Ballack

A Guide To Dealing With Telesales

Your deep in in the middle of Eastenders or Bargain Hunt and then suddenly "bring bring" your phone goes. So you get up and go and answer the phone. Some twat from Bangladesh calling on behalf of Banana Telecom tries to give you a cheap crap phone and your not interested and you couldn't give a toss. All your concerned about is if Angie has taken an overdose and will Lofty ever find out who's the father of Michelle's baby (OK so I haven't watched Eastenders for a while). Here's what you can do if this situation arises.

1. Put the phone down

2. Tell them to Fuck Off

3. Sign up for a free phone at an extortionate rate.

3. Tell them that you are giving them the phone as a gift and that all property is theft and would they like to join your temple. That totally throws them off.

4. Smear your face in animal droppings, romp to the nearest Banana Telecom call center, Scale the building, lay down a suppressing fire with your SA80 as you storm in through the office window. Tie and blindfold everyone and kill a hostage on the hour every hour until your demands of no more calls from Banana Telecom are met.

5. Hang up and then sign up to the TPS (telephone preferencing service). The TPS was set up by the government to stop unwanted sales calls. You go onto a central database and if anyone calls you can prosecute them. It is unlawful to make unsolicited direct marketing calls to individuals who have indicated that they do not want to receive such calls. See what happens if you mention the TPS next time you get a call, they shit themselves.

TPS

fisssh!

Not for those who hate magenta...

Well... Just thought I would shamelessly plug the new search service fisssh! Now, this product is NOT meant to be some form of 'Google Killer' or a futile attempt to get people to change their search behaviour - it is just a very useful tool for finding all kinds of new information and news.

http://www.fisssh.com
http://news.fisssh.com

Enjoying a lovely red sky...
Abracadabra

The King Of Rants

For those of who have never seen Denis Leary do his stand up act, this clip of his "No cure for cancer" show. After watching this you will see I am not the only one who gets pissed off with things. In this video he rants about pop stars and smoking. Classic stand up.

Fame

What is with this obsession with being famous? If you ask one of those x factor contestants why they want to be famous they will say they don't know, they just want to be famous. The worst thing is these people don't even realise they are not talented. Not everyone is talented. Im sorry it to break it to you but you can't sing Justin Timbelake or Britney Speers. Ok that was a bad example. I find in my line of work that I am not allowed to fail students, they are referred. I can't fail students. Why are people so frightened of failure. You have to fail in order to get better at something. Tell it like it is. Your shit you can't dance and you can't sing.

The little twat in the above picture, I fucking hate his little pig face. Talentless fuck.

Yorkshire Puddings

A bit of a random post this one. I love my Sunday roast, lamb, roast potatoes, sweet potatoes, veg and yorkshire puddings. But I could never make decent Yorkshire puddings. Try as I might they would end up looking like flat round rubbery inedible things until I found this recipe.

1. Put some olive oil, goose fat or if you want to be 100% authentic bacon fat in a cake tray.

2. Crank you oven up to about gas mark 7 or 8. ( I don't know what that is in degrees, just hot)

3. Take 3 eggs, a cup of flour and a cup of milk add a pinch of salt and a delicate sprinkle of pepper.

4. Whisk the bastard like a mad man until all the lumps are gone.

5. Add the batter to the cake trays but make sure the fat is hot (it should bubble when you put the batter in).

6. Wait 20 minutes and you will have huge gorgeous Yorkshire puddings the size of small houses.

This recipe is for a family of 10 so if you want less I would half the quantity. What a wonderful useful blog this is.

An Answer To The Housing Crisis

Huf Haus is a German firm that sell flat pack houses. I know what your thinking, it sounds awful, but you will be sorely mistaken. From what I can make out there prices start at £120 per square foot. These wonderfully stylish houses are manufactured in Germany and shipped to the UK and installed by a team of German builders. The end result is a stunningly modern house designed the way that you want it and for half of what you would pay a builder to construct a house in this country. The whole transaction from beginning to end only takes a few months. All you need is a plot of land and they do the rest.

The Milk desk would fit nicely in your open plan study.

Yum yum.

Huf Haus

MILK

Just Perfect for an '8 Core' MacPro

This gorgeous desk (called MILK) has been designed (by Soren Kjaer) specifically for Macs. Just look at the clean lines, the geometry, the symmetry - as you can see it appeals to my eighties lineage.

Learn more a about MILK...

Currently lost inside the depths of XML
Abracadabra

Annoying Advert Of The Month

There is a chewing gum war brewing. I bet you didn't know but Cadburys are aiming to muscle in on Wrigleys domination of the market. They are doing this by releasing Trident, unfortunately this chewing gum war has spwaned an abomination, those fucking mentally retarded annoying fucking adverts. A series of cocks spout shit about mastication for the nation. I can just imagine it, at a board meeting the company execs and advertising team sitting around the table bouncing ideas around.

"Yes wouldn't it be funny Toby if we used the phrase mastication for the nation because it sounds like masturbation gufaw gufaw!".

"Ya Ya, Tim I think thats an excellent idea, you really think outside the box in a kind of blue sky way can you give me a ball park figure on the stats."

AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Stop please. You would have thought that they'd realise that it was annoying. Why not get good writers and comedians on board to actually write funny adverts. The times companies have done this the adverts have been a success, take the John Smiths adverts with Peter Kay.

We have to have standards. We can put a stop to these adverts and we can do this by not buying their chewing gum. I for one will not be buying it and I suggest you join me comrades!

The Welfare 'State'

Oh, are the Labour Government finally realizing the piss poor situation the UK is in? Will all the caring and sharing bollocks of the 1990s finally prove to be a flawed pile of unrealistic crap? Does Labour like the shitty taste of the cake they have baked during the past ten years?

Well, in case you are lost - I am talking about our glorious welfare state that has been manipulated and mangled to make Britain the world's number one incubator of 'fuck-ups'. Guess what? YOU ARE PAYING... WITH YOUR TAXES... WITH THE PRECIOUS TIME SPENT AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN WHILST YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WORK ALL THE HOURS TO SUPPORT A LIFESTYLE IN RIP-OFF BRITAIN.

The politicians figured out years ago that any civilized society would need to support the weaker MINORITY elements for the greater good. I accept and welcome that concept - however the MINORITY are fast becoming the MAJORITY, and in ten to fifteen years we will truly see the effect if the tide does not change.

Well, alas, the money is running out and SINGLE MOTHERS WHO TAKE THE PISS and other PONCES OF THE STATE have got their cards marked.

I have paid back my loans and grants TENFOLD since graduating in 2000 - it is called getting out of bed and making a fucking effort
Abracadabra

Premium Rate Phone-ins

I have mentioned these phone-ins in a previous blog and guess what? ITV have suspended their premium rate phone ins. Hooray! There has been mistakes on stuuf like x-factor and Richard and Judy. One of these phone-in programs had a competition called "whats in my handbag?" Well it was a balaclava and rawlplugs. Ladies I know you never leave home without them.

Is it me or is this country designed to take money off you. Especially the working tax payer.

Income Support

Tony and Gordon have suggested that the jobless need to make "an even greater effort" to go to work. So all you people who think its a full time job smoking weed and watching Jeremy Kyle have to go back to work or you wil get you benefits cut. All you mothers who who produce these hoodies will have to go back to work when your kids are in school. That's not to much to ask is it?

Being a mother is a hard job and their are genuine cases where a parent dies or leaves and the family breaks up. Im not talking about you guys. It's the dishonest ones im targeting.

I know of a specific case, a single mother with six kids and a life on benefit. Where is the father? He must have been around for the conception. I suggest you shut your legs you fat slag.

In Denmark 80% of parents are in waged employment, why aren't our mothers? I know of quite a few examples of young women who keep spreading their legs and squirting out little cunts. They don't work and their boyfriends/husbands are on the sick or income support. They see it as their divine right to have kids. It's the one thing they can do without fucking up, oh and they can claim off the system. They are very good at doing that.

Income support and sick benefit was put their as a back up not a way of life

Messing With Your Mind..

A classic clip of Derren Brown on the tube making people forget the stop they are getting off at. I have always been interested in influencing peoples minds and getting them to do my bidding. I want to find out how he does this witchcraft and I will report back in later blogs with my attempts at mind control...

Why Global Warming Is Good

We all know global warming is a problem, but how much of a problem is it? There are upsides. The above photo shows what would happen if the world three main ice sheets melted. As you can see most of London is under water. Is that a strong enough argument on it's own? Last year was the hottest summer for 340 years and it seemed to go on forever. Can you see every cloud has a silver lining. Ok so that silver lining is probably caused by pollution and Ok so in the future you wont be able to stay out in the sun for more than 30 seconds without your face blistering and falling off because of harmful rays. But thats a small price to pay, so turn all your lights on, put all you recycled rubbish in a black bag, buy a petrol guzzling 4x4 and global warming hear we come.

OJ Simpson Gotcha

A really funny prank on former American footballer and alleged brutal murderer of his wife and her boyfriend. Obviously OJ is completely innocent and didn't kill his wife. I have faith in the American courts! The made the right decision even though he was covered in blood and he did try and leave the scene of the crime and was chased by police live on TV.Anyway this is a classic clip from the Friday Night Armistice

Nostalgia Corner

The previous post started me off on a two hour internet trip down nostalgia lane. I had little flash backs to my youth of riding around with my mates on my Raleigh Burner pulling endos and bunny hops. How come you never seem to get tired riding around on your BMX when your a kid. Now if you ask me to do a workout on an exercise bike and I would feel tired just thinking about it. I always wanted a Skyway TA or a Street Beat but I could never afford one. Anyway heres a link to a collection of cool old BMX's.

Old BMX's

Squeal Or No Squeal

I was looking for a candidate for twat of the month and I instantly thought of Noel. But I couldn't bring myself to nominate him as twat of the month. I have a soft spot for Noel even though he is a bit of a nob, with a beard and a strange buffont hair-do. I still remember him from Swap Shop and how one Glorious Saturday morning in the 70's I swapped a collection of my sisters Barbie dolls for an actionman command tower. My sister never forgave me for that so much so a few weeks later she bit the fingers of my Action Men. I had to cellotape their hands to their guns. Did you know you could get official Noel merchandise? well me neither, I stumbled across this site whilst looking for info on Noel. I apologies in advance for making you cringe.

Official Noel Ware

A Deep Thought Provoking Joke

Confucius walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

NHS Violence...

Apparently Violence costs NHS '£100m a year'

Well, if you gear the country to empower the scum, the shit and the lazy - what do you expect? It is the year 2007 and still sections of the general public have no respect for a life saving system that is being pushed to it's financial and practical limits...

Any cunt who punches a Doctor or Nurse, should be banned from using the NHS... Oh No!, we can't have that, what about human rights blah blah blah... Perhaps, the human rights and civil liberties lot can pay for the knob-heads to go to special hospitals where you can get world class medical treatment whilst abusing the person administering it...

Fucking Morons...
Abracadabra

Designer Toys

Urban Vinyl? Whats that? Well it's toys designed by cutting edge designers. They usually come in highly collectable limited edition runs usually from 50 to 2000. I have started collecting a few of these cool little characters. Could be an antique of the future. Check out this link for all the latest news on these cool little toys.

Vinyl Pulse

Badges, badges, badges

This is an excellent site full of these unique badges. I love the take on the Apple logo.

prickie.com

Design Resource

For all you budding design gurus. I found a very good resource. Lots of links to stock photography,vector clip art, fonts, logo types, sounds, Photoshop brushes and Poser downloads and icon resources.

www.bluevertigo.com

Pocket Calculator...

Kraftwerk - the finest electronic band in the world, playing a special version of Pocket Calculator on Italian TV. These German guys are so super efficient they even sing in Italian...

If you don't know about Kraftwerk or the massive contribution they have made to the development of modern music - FIND OUT!

I AM ADDING, THEN SUBTRACTING...
Abracadabra

Quote Of The Month

“You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you got music.” - Sid Vicious

Reclaim Your Bank Charges

Ever been charged £35 from your bank or credit card company just to receive a letter to tell you your overdrawn or late on a payment? I bet you have. Well did you know its unlawful? Guess what you can claim all these charges back. Watch the video and it will make sense. we are being ripped off and Im getting my money back as of today.

Religion

This is 21st Century and we still have masses of people who believe in religion. Religion is dying out in Europe well it’s dying out amongst the richer nations. I remember when I was a kid that most people went to Sunday school and believed in god. I was told that is the truth and not to question it. But somewhere deep inside it didn’t quite ring true. Adam and Eve, snakes, Noah’s ark, the parting of the red sea and Jesus turning water into wine. I always thought of Jesus as some sort of Paul Daniels figure doing tricks with loaves and fishes and stuff to impress his mates. But because I was young and impressionable I bought into it. Everybody else believes it so I guess they must be right. Problem was I got older and educated and I started to think for myself and Im not having it. What a load of crap. I was lied to.
What is it? It’s about control, it’s a way of people controlling people. Getting the masses to do your bidding and keeping order. It’s been the same since the dawn of time, the Incas worshipped Inti the sun god, Christians worshipped God, Muslims worship Allah and you know what? Not one of them can prove they exist. In fact I will give anyone £5000 if they can prove to me god exists in any form. No bullshit. I will give you £5000 ($9000) if any one person can prove to me god exists. This offer stands for the rest of time. Im deadly serious.
The one really scary thing for religious people is they can’t face the fact that when they die there is nothing. Thats it. Your dead. No more just decomposing flesh turning into dust. Thats to painful for them to comprehend for a second. Allah is fictitious, a mythical figure with no more grounding in reality than Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Sorry to burst your bubble about Santa kids. Same applies to God, Jesus, Buddha whoever. Made up fairy stories. Why are they all vying for competition. My god is the one true god! Islam states “There is no deity worthy of worship except Allah, and Muhammad is his messenger”. Statements like this is how wars start.
Are you as sick as I am with all this religious shit you hear day to day? Well you can shut up any religious nut who starts preaching this mumbo jumbo with two words “prove it”. They will probably reply with bullshit about it is written in the Koran and so it must be true, to which you reply “prove it”. But you will go to hell if you do not believe! “prove it”.
Thing is they can’t prove it.
I was thinking of starting my own religion. The church of Toblerone. We will worship the sacred triangular chocolate and so it is written in the book of confectionery there can be only one true deity and that deity is Toblerone. Milk chocolate heavenliness with little nougat bits. Maybe other opposing chocolate religions will form and we will have a big chocolate war YEAH! You may thing Im talking complete bull shit and you would be right, but Im just trying to illustrate a point.

Series: Rip-Off Britain (House Prices)

Oh, How I can't wait for the prices of 'penthouse' flats to crash!

The labour government states that Britain is enjoying unprecedented economic growth and prosperity. Interest rates have never been so low! (Woo Hoo!!)

The rates maybe low, but this is compensated by first time buyers having to shell out £150K for a used ex-council house on some shitty estate. Whatever way they spin it, property in the UK is a complete fucking rip-off.

Don't bother moving here unless you are some sort of political refugee or intend to house share with 50 other people who should not really be here.

Sure the late eighties saw horrendous double digit interest rates, but at least the sale price for the property was not a rip-off value equivalent to 10 times the average UK salary.

Thanks Gordon...

Britain Is Fucked
Abracadabra

Rocket Chair

These Japanese are nuts, no regard for health and safety. Phil Mackie where are you when we need you.

Keynotes for Dummies!

Just in case anyone thought I was faltering from my stern, religious, cult like following of Apple...

The guy in the video is Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, a nice guy, yet a complete tit on the stage. Look at him, he looks like a tubby bounding toddler... Looks like the 'Keynotes for Dummies' book did not work.

There is only one master of the Keynote... STEVE JOBS.

Developers, Developers, Developers
Abracadabra

John The Revelator

A little gem of a unofficial animated music video created by an outraged American who happens to be a Depeche Mode fan. The track used is from the band's latest album 'Playing The Angel'.

Anyone who sees through big W's horse shit and likes Depeche Mode is alright in my book! Thank fuck a president can only have two terms in office. I say bring back Bill Clinton via some special amendment - yeah I know he was far from perfect, but I'd much rather a guy who likes burgers and blow jobs over some FuckPuppet war president.

Enjoy The Silence
Abracadabra

Live Maps...

Check out that shadow...

I must say I am rather impressed with the Windows Live Mapping service that is being offered by Microsoft - especially the 3D imagery it offers. If you want to see what your house looks like from above at an angle (with shadows), check out:

maps.live.com

Because I am Worth It...
Abracadabra

Twat Of The Month (last one I swear)

Howard

Who gives you extra? Ill give you fucking extra you spectacled bastard. This dancing nonce with his coke bottle glasses god I have a deep rooted hatred for him. The latest ad is the best. That fat bird wobbling around like a ball of cholesterol in a suit. Please stop with this ad campaign Halifax. I have to turn over every-time it comes on. It aggravates me that much. Who makes these ads. I will avoid Halifax, I wont even use one of their cash points because I am angered so much. Unless the standards in Britain improve you are going to find me naked, smeared in animal droppings with a high powered rifle on top of a high building taking pot shots at passers by.

Celebrity Lookalikey

Horsey-Dinho

Ronaldinho and a laughing horse.

Celebrity Lookalikey

Carlton Pob

Ex Leeds Utd footballer Carlton Palmer and that strange TV puppet Pob. Twins seperated at birth?

TV Show Of The Month

Top Gear

Yay! Its back and better than ever. The TV show your telly was made for. The Hamster is not dead! Yay! Probably the best thing on TV at the moment. Hammond doesn't seem to have any affects from his accident, Clarkson is still bitter and twisted and May is well .....May. Its on Sundays around 9.00pm on BBC2 If you haven't seen it you must. You don't have to be a petrol head to watch it. 10/10

Hero Of The Month

Stephen Fry

Has to be one of the cleverist and most interesting people on TV. A flawed character who has excellent use of the English language and every sentence he seems to utter is interesting. How can you cram all that knowledge into one head. One of the people I would like to be stuck on a desert island with. One second Ill take that back, Stephen is a homosexual so maybe not, he may want to touch my winkie.

Ok Last Twat Of The Month

Slang, Imported Sayings And The Misuse Of The English Language

This is something that has bothered me for a long time. I hate the use of imported American sayings. For example the saying 24 7. "Yeah I have been working on this 24 7", what? Oh you mean you've been working on this "all night" or "very hard" or have you really been working on this 24-hours a day 7 days a week? Didn't you eat or poo? or sleep? Fuck me you have been working hard, I'm surprised you are not hallucinating from lack of sleep and your guts must be full of poo you poor thing.
Even my mother said to me that she wanted to go home and "chill out", chill out? Have you had a hard day on the bong mum? Been up clubbing all night. Somehow it just seems wrong.

Bling???? It such a fucking stupid saying, Bling! Bling! It sounds like a chinese phone! That stupid advert about toothpaste with a black girl with a posh accent who says something like "maybe it's because my teeth are my bling". It sounds so out of place.

Another one that fucking aggravates me is "give it up". This has been creeping into TV shows with live audiences. "Can you give it up for Janet who has just one a washing machine?" Give what up? Give up smoking? Give up fatty foods? It's nonsense. Why not just say can you give her a round of applause.

The next thing I am going to mention maybe obvious to some and a totally unrealised phenomenon to others. This seems to have crept in from Australian TV like Neighbors and Home and Away. It's the way every sentence is a question? They will give you the answer to something but the tone of the sentence will sound like a question? Watch out for it?

Even I'm doing it.

By the way does anybody else think that Mark Lamar is a twat or is it just me?

Windows Vista

3D Windows, Man!

So have you downloaded, borrowed - uh hum, I mean purchased Microsoft Vista 'Ultimate' yet? If so, I hope you are enjoying the 'new' experience that us Mac Users have relished for some years now... Still, this is not going to be some rambling attack at Microsoft - in fact I am glad they are they are starting to get their 'shit' together and offer a better user experience with liquid graphics and a recycle bin that looks like a trash can. Further, with features such as translucency, 3D views, gadgets and abstract desktop wallpaper - I am positivley drooling and cannot wait to create a new virtual machine in Parallels for this baby, although M$ may have something to say about that (a whole other rant I shall save for a rainy day!).

Despite my obvious sarcasm, Vista is indeed a positive step forward for both the consumer and business user. For twenty or so years, Microsoft has got away with and made billions from the 'that will do' model. Now time has caught up with the guys from Redmond, as after two decades of computing - users are now far more sophisticated. In 1981, the very fact the DOS prompt appeared was enough. When Windows 1.0 emerged, the fact that you did not have to use the DOS prompt so much was enough. When Windows 95 kind of worked, that was enough. You get the idea...

Hopefully Microsoft understand they can no longer churn out third rate products that users lap up by default. With Vista, I really think they are beginning to turn a corner - even if that means pinching a few ideas from Apple.

Abort, Error, Re-try
Abracadabra

Celebrity Lookalikey

Stretch Ramsey

"It looks nothing F***ing like me! You C**T!"

Celebity Morph Of The Month

Malkospears

If John Malkovich and Britney Spears had a baby it might look something like this. Stick a wig on it and I would.

Celebrity Lookalikey

Britney Malkovich

If your interested you can bid on her hair on Ebay.com.
Only in America.

Another Twat Of The Month

Speed Bumps

I promise I will try and be a bit more upbeat in the next few posts Im finding loads of things that piss me off but these things matter, we have got to have standards. Ok here we go. Speed bumps, why do we need so many? Two reasons I know of. 1 To stop little cunts in stolen cars speeding in residential areas and 2 to stop boy racers speeding in residential areas. Both valid reasons for having speed bumps but if your in a stolen car bombing through a council estate the last thing your going to do is slow down for a speed bump, in fact they speed up. The 2nd reason is valid and I can't think of a better way of slowing down traffic but do we need to have so many. I went to see my parents who live 15 minutes away and I went over 150 speed bumps. Why so many and what damage is it doing to my car?

Yet Another Twat Of The Month

Celebrity Game Shows

Can ITV, BBC, Channel 5 and Sky One please stop with the celebrity gameshows. Stars on horses, stars dancing ballroom, stars on ice, stars in the circus, stars on cows, stars under pressure, stars on crack. Every week there seems to be a new one. I like the way they use the term celebrity, I have never heard of half of them.
Heres a quick test. Who is?

Lara Bingle?

Stefan Booth?

Clare Buckfield?

Jake Wall?

Do you know? Me neither I've never heard of them but they are part of the celebrity line up on ITV latest thing of celebrities on Ice.

Don't get me wrong I like Im a celebrity get me out of here and celebrity big brother, you get to watch celebirities exposed and all the character defects and tantrums that go with it. But this seems to be the trend with channels lately. They produce a hit and the other channels follow suit. I would like to see more creative programmes, decent comedys or dramas or documentaries thats not to much to ask is it? Wheres our license fee being spent BBC? It comes back to the itemised bill thing that I mentioned in a previous rant. Can I have an itemised bill please BBC. I want to know where my money is being spent. Who wants to watch Duncan from Blue skating around looking like a tit?

Special: Twat From Across The Pond

Hello, my name is 'Salad Fingers'... Um I mean 'abracadabra', and oldskoolmacboy has kindly allowed me to contribute to Toys Go Boom. I would like to start with a special dig at Britney 'FuckPig' Spears (I know, I know... she is down on her luck and perhaps deserves a break but fuck that - her stunts are pissing me off).

Very recently the silly cunt shaved all her hair off in some vain attempt to look like the very sexy Demi Moore in G.I. Jane (a source close to Britney confirmed this to my mate Frank in a London boozer). However, it did not quite work out that way (see picture) and now the sad twat is all over the entertainment news because she lost it for five minutes with a set of clippers. Perhaps this may be a cry for help, or is it some kind of sick publicity stunt - it does seem interesting that crystal clear pictures of the skit were in circulation within hours. I mean, when was the last time you gawped at pictures of Britney inside a salon?

Apparently, she has now checked into 'rehab' to confront her massive heroin - ooops!, I mean 'attention seeking' habit, whilst some guy is selling her old locks on eBay or something. On hearing this K-Fed started a new enterprise after pulling Britney's old pubes from his teeth. However, you know I am only kidding as we all know Britney has a rather unappealing pussy that is bald and dry - then again maybe K-Fed kept the shavings in a baggy and smoked them on accident! Who knows...

Now, you probably realise I don't care much for Miss Spears - I acknowledge her first single was a musical masterpiece and that her contribution to popular culture is of mythic proportion. Still, she remains a TWAT for the following reasons:

1. Britney is now one of the most popular girls names in Britain
2. She let K-Fed touch her and stuff...
3. She went 'commando' with Paris 'Ornate Cunt' Hilton and ruined a million school boy fantasies...
4. She produces, um sings on crappy over-produced radio friendly records that require a ton of vocal processing and sonic compression.
5. She shaved her head and actually looks like a twat

Well, that is my tirade over... I look forward to your comments (good and bad). I also look especially forward to Britney's megatastic comeback!

All The Very Best
Abracadabra

Twat Of The Month

Big Issue Sellers

I don't want to buy a dirty stinking copy of your magazine and don't mumble obsenities as I walk way. We should encourage people to buy them but lose the attitude smelly!

Bonus Twat Of The Month

The Smoking Ban

Yes I am a smoker but I thought hey thats a good idea banning smoking in restaurants and clubs. It will aid me giving up smoking and thats a good thing. But I started thinking why are the government so keen to stop people smoking? One main reason is the strain it puts on the National Health Service. Well what about obesity? "In the UK, about two-thirds (66 per cent) of adults are now overweight or obese. Of these, 22 per cent of men and 23 per cent of women are obese (at least two to three stone overweight), meaning their weight is putting their health at considerable risk. The level of obesity has tripled in the past 20 years, and is still rising". Shouldn't we be attacking obesity at the same time as smoking? Obesity kills more people than smoking.


Another thing I heard a doctor on one of these daytime programmes say that they could refuse to treat patients if they were smokers. I tell you what Doc you will fucking treat me if Im ill because myself and every other smokers has payed for the treatment we get about ten times over thanks to the hideous amount of tax we pay on cigarettes. I probably payed for your Mercedes and Mrs Smith down the road payed for your wifes boob op.

Smoking is bad for you and all smokers are aware of that and they should try and quit but its not as easy as it seems. here's a thought! Why don't all the major brands bring out a range of nictoine free cigarettes. Maybe that would help me give up.

Bonus Twat Of The Month

Modified Cars

Why do these guys do it? It looks shit! Buy a crap standard hatchback for £8000 and spend £16000 modifying it into a hideous lump of distorted plastic? and another thing guys I don't know one girl who dropped her panties and said fuck me bacause some spotty little 17 year old did a wheel spin in his Citreon Saxo. FUCK OFF!

Twat Of The Month

Gun Crime / Hoodies

Why is Britain on it's arse and why is there a rise in gun crime in Britain? Five reasons

1. Lack of discipline in schools and home. People are frightened of these little bastards. But they are also too frightened to do anything. If you catch some little prick breaking into your car or house then you are to frightened to give them a quick left hook because you will probably end up with a criminal record for GBH. These little fuckers need to realise that if they do something wrong the consequences are swift and harsh. But theres nothing for these kids to do. They have more choice than ever. Sport, community centres, games consoles, internet, cinema and much more, I wish I had the choice these kids had when I was a kid.

2. Bad education. The quailty of education is poor. Too many kids in one class and teachers who are underqualified to teach. No discipline in the classroom.

3. Gangster Rap. These kids role models are assholes that preach violence and criminality. They emulate their heroes. It's just a shame these kids heroes are criminals. If they had more positive role models things would be a lot different.

4. Parents need to be positive role models in their childrens lives and guys if you don't want kids stick a rubber on your cock. Ladies if your not on the pill and some dickhead blows his beans up you theres a chance you might get pregnant.

5. The government needs to be stricter on who gets benefit. Too many people leaching off the tax payer. Oh and we have to be the most taxed country in the world. You know what I want my money back, im not getting value for it. I would like an itemised bill to see exactly what my cash is being spent on. I can guarantee a big chunk goes to this work shy underclass.